One-on-One

Mom, get back over here and play with me!

This morning after Devy, Lu and I walked the big girls to the bus stop we went for a walk, came home started a fire and warmed our toes and cheeks and read Berenstain Bear books together. Then Devy went down for a nap and Lauryn and I played dollhouse, which she's never done without her big sisters around telling her to buzz off or stop touching things. It's funny to see her one-on-one when there is no one egging her on. She's probably developed her lovable yet beastly personality out of sheer survival! She loves to boss us all around, shoot off orders, give you gorilla eyes and then smile and say "I HAPPY!" I guess you have to be a strong-willed girl when you are trying to keep up with and not get trampled by two older sisters! It's been cute watching her though. That little nugget just makes my heart all squeezy with love. She especially had fun driving the babies around in the minivan and when Polly Pocket rang the doorbell and asked what was for breakfast. I just love that kid.

So Nice!

Raindrops on windows and whiskers on kittens... Okay, so my favorite things list may not exactly match Maria's from 'The Sound of Music', but I have had some simple favorites this weekend!

Last night the kids and I had an impromptu slumber party at my parent's house. Justin was calling a football game and I knew he would be out super, super late. So my Dad took me, my mom, my brother, Matt, and my Little Women all out for pizza. We went back to my folks' house afterwards and watched a movie with the kids. It was around bedtime and the kids were getting sleepy, but we decided why should I go home to an empty house?! So we threw some t-shirts on the kids and put them in the guest bedroom while my mom and I watched HGTV 'House Hunters International' for about three hours! It was divine! You're probably thinking what's the big deal? When we moved into our place in May though, I decided not to get the cable hooked up. Which means NO TV! Justin and I will watch episodes of shows on hulu and stuff, but there is no mindless vegging out in front of a TV around here. So it was kind of nice to be lazy and just watch TV all night.

This morning when we got up my Mom made blueberry pancakes. Which made me happy because A.) I never met anything blueberry I didn't like and B.) Being a mom is a lot of dang work. It was nice to wake up and just be able to sit up at the table and talk to my mom while she made breakfast, rather than me being the one to wrangle everything. It was just very nice.

Justin has been working a lot this Football season, six days a week most weeks and long days. Which means that I fly solo with the kids quite a bit. Time to myself is kind of unheard of and most days the sheer noise and energy of our house leaves me pretty pooped. Justin had today off from covering games though. So after breakfast the kids and I came home, I showered and then left Justin with all the girls so I could go offer service by cleaning the church building. After that I did something I can never do when I have my crew with me...I went into Real Deals, which is a home decor store, with my Mom. I browsed as long as I wanted, I didn't have to say "Look with your eyes, not your hands." a bazillion times. I didn't have to worry about the fact that I was surrounded by a million little breakables. I was only in charge of ME and it was just so NICE!

Then we hooked back up with my Dad and brother and went out to Mexican for lunch. I didn't have to wipe up spills or remind bottoms to stay in their seats or say "Close your mouth while you're chewing!" After that I went to the grocery store by myself. Which may not seem exciting, but if you've done it with four squirrelly kids, you would not question the value of a solo expedition to the grocery store! It's all about the little things folks!
On the way home it was cold and wet and dreary. Bah! Then I remembered Justin had given me a Dutch Bros. coupon for a free drink that was bouncing around in my purse. I hadn't used it because I always have the kids with me and I knew I couldn't just get something for me without a verbal assault of "What are you getting for me?!!" So I took advantage of my aloneness and ordered a Pumpkin Pie Steamer! Mmmmmm! For those of you who don't drink coffee like me, the Steamer is the way to go! It's just warmed milk with any flavoring you like and they are delicious! So that made me very happy and like a good Mommy I even shared some sips with the kids when I got home.

Then I snuggled Devy in front of the fireplace and dozed off a bit. I told Justin that today was EXACTLY what I've been needing. A little 'me' time, to be unproductive and just take a breather. I could totally make this an every Saturday tradition! ;)

Who?!

I decided it was time to revive our kitchen dance party/jam sessions that we used to have in Georgia. So I put on a little Elvis and started shaking my hips (which completely embarrassed Brynna...yes it's official, I'm the old, embarrassing Mom!). The girls loved it though and started getting their groove on just like old times! Even Brynna loosened up and let me swing her around the kitchen. It did a Momma's heart good! Then Maryn asked who it was singing. I said "Elvis silly!" She turned around and stared at me and said "Who?!"...how can my child not know who Elvis is? Shouldn't that be one of those knowledges that you're just born with?

Lost In Two-Year-Old Translation

I just pulled five loaves of Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread out of the oven and it smells divine! That cozy smell of cinnamon, nutmeg, chocolate and pumpkin! Oh baby! Lauryn was my sidekick while I was making the batter. I was opening the can of pumpkin and she said "What dat, Momma?" and I told her "It's pumpkin, honey." She looked at me and then at the can incredulously and sternly told me "Dat NOT punkin, Mommy!!" It was like she was saying "Look, I know I'm two, but I'm no moron! I know what a pumpkin looks like and that ain't it!"

Then she disappeared for a few minutes. When she came back to check on me she said "What doing Momma?" I said "Baking" as I started to mix the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients. She huffed at me again and said "Dat NOT bacon, Moooomm!! Dat soup!" I could see where she would think this orange, runny stuff was clearly not bacon. It looked just like the bean and bacon soup we had just eaten for lunch! Funny girl, she must think her Momma is totally off her rocker!

Counting Down Christmas

I know it may seem premature, but I am getting giddy-excited for Christmas this year! Today the weather is cold, rainy and dreary and I just wish I could cozy up next to a lit up Christmas tree with a mug of hot chocolate and my favorite red blanket. To see the bright reds, greens and golds as the world fades into muted brown and grays. To see where Elvis, our elf, will be hiding each day. To see the kids excitement as they count down the days. To smell yummy things baking and watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' and the old cartoon 'Grinch Who Stole Christmas' that my brothers and I use to watch over and over as kids. My brother Matt broke into spontaneous singing of "You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch..." today and I loved it! I swear we had every line of that movie memorized as kids! To do fun traditions and make memories. To feel that special Spirit that accompanies the Christmas season. I know, I know, patience my pet, it's not even Thanksgiving yet! But I just can't wait! I've been told I have to wait until after Thanksgiving to put the tree up, but I may be working on that after the last bite of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving Day!

Train of Thought

I've decided after doubting it for awhile that I'm still in here, I'm still me. I am still a person outside of the roles I play. I'd lost touch with that girl. Like an old friendship that faded but neither party was exactly sure why. I was reading over some of my old blog archives tonight and came across this...

That was just over a year ago. I was begging and pleading for change and boy have I had a whole lotta that in the past year. I've moved across the country, uprooted my life, quit my job, became pregnant for the last time, had a beautiful baby, tried to learn and grow and stretch with the demands of being a mother to four, beautiful daughters. I've fretted and wondered what my future holds after dealing with life plans that were being altered yet again. I've dealt with reoccurring disappointment and let downs from people that I never felt I deserved it from. And despite all this change, the redeeming change I begged for and thought was the magical answer to everything, I realized that my old life just packed itself in the moving boxes and came with me.

I found myself looking in the mirror a few months back. My saggy, post-baby body a perfect reflection of my spirits and outlooks on my future, outside of the bright and beautiful faces of my children. My eyes lifted from taking in the effects of gravity at work and I stepped closer to the mirror and looked right, straight into my eyes and asked "Hello? Is anybody in there?" It was a weird feeling. Like knocking on the door of that old friend's house and shuffling away in disappointment when nobody came to the door.

Time is a funny thing. It passes. People, places, things, they all change. Unless we are in alignment with ourselves though, the venue of our lives won't make a bit of difference. Something happened in the past week that hasn't happened in years...maybe possibly ever? I decided that I wasn't going to keep waiting for life to make sense to me. I wasn't going to keep waiting for other people to make me a priority. I realized I have to do those things for myself. I have to put myself on the map of my own life.

When I turned 30 back in August, it wasn't nearly as traumatic for me as some people make it out to be. Married at 18, working to put a husband through school and then starting a family at 23. My entire 20's had been about somebody else. I was a wife and a mother, both noble and worthy things, but nothing was about me. I lost myself in my roles, trying so hard to do and be enough for everyone I loved. So I decided rather than dread, I would embrace my 30's with open arms. Like my mom said "Your 30's are great because your body is still young, but you're not as dumb as you are in your 20's!" Have I mentioned I love my mom? I do. But I quickly found that even in my first few months of my new, recommitted 30's I quickly lost track of myself yet again. I wrote in my journal one night that I felt like I was on a speeding train. Scenery was passing outside the windows of the passenger car in a blur and I was unable to even take it in. Unable to find the beauty in the unfamiliar. I was headed on a track to an unknown destination, out of my control and I was merely a voiceless passenger.

I always have thought of myself as spunky. Which secretly I liked, because who likes a pleasey-pleaser all the time? Only those who use them. After some reflection though I realized that the pattern of my life revealed to me that I was just a pleaser with a spunky facade. Ouch. That one hurt. My gerbil wheel, my let downs, my unfulfilled dreams...were just as much my fault as anyone else’s. I facilitated them by not putting myself on the map of my own life. I didn't just allow myself to be put on the back burner, I put myself there.

But for some reason a few days ago I had this epiphany that no one else in life is going to make me a priority if I don't make myself a priority. I refuse to allow myself to be that voiceless passenger. I refuse to not be able to enjoy the beautiful things that await me out of the windows of life because I am so scared and so uncertain of where it is taking me. I refuse to sit in that passenger car and wring my hands uselessly. Dang it, I'm up front, engineer cap on and I am driving the train of my own life! Since making this decision, I have felt the distance between me and my true self melt away. As I have started to plan and act upon my own personal goals I have felt my burdens lift and my outlook brighten. The obstacles I face in my life haven’t changed, but I have and in doing so it has made all the difference. My new view is not just out the side windows taking in the views of life happening around me. But also of the open track, stretching out in front of me, taking me to the destination of my choosing.