Quiet

Quiet is the sort of commodity that has been in short supply in my life lately. But here I sit, Justin at work, Maryn at school, Brynna at playgroup, and Lauryn sleeping deeply across the hall from me. No noise with the exception of my fingertips dancing across the keyboard. It's been almost a month since we came here to Oregon. I have felt a lot of emotions in these past four weeks. The first several days were not quite real. Then as the reality that this was our new reality settled in I felt myself sinking kind of low...wondering if we had done the right thing. Wondering actually if we were crazy for completely uprooting our life on solely faith and prayers? Had it not been confirmed to Justin and I so undeniably I think I would have been tempted to run back to the existence and reality that felt comfortable to me. Despite the fact that in the long run it couldn't take us to where we really wanted to go.

I felt like I had egg on my face. Here we were ten years into our marriage and we were starting over. Going back to school. Not knowing where life was going to take us from one year to the next. Being with my parents in the interim. I hated relying on anyone for kindness. I've always been able to do it by myself and it became a great source of pride for me. I hated and resented having to accept other people's kindness. I was mad that we hadn't taken care of business ten years ago and gotten finished with school then. Now it was more inconvenient and more complicated.

One night the bitterness in my subconscious came bubbling to the top and I turned away from Justin in bed with hot tears welling up in my eyes. I was so angry at where our life was. I was mad that while other little girls had to choose which extra activities to cut out of their busy schedules, I craved to be able to afford to put my kids in just one dance or karate class. I was mad that Maryn was having to transition to a new class, new teacher, new rules when she had been blossoming so much at her old school. I was mad that every day Brynna asked me if I had found her a new school yet so that she would have some friends to play with. I was mad that Lauryn was so displaced she would scream and cry if I so much as rounded the corner and left her sight. And while I felt like a huge brat for thinking it, I was mad that we were doing all this so that we could end up making a teacher's salary. I felt myself start to drown in my own negativity, turning away from optimism and it's out-stretched arms.

Justin listened as every worry, doubt and bitterness came falling out as those hot tears formed a circle on my pillow. And then he spoke peace and reason to my soul. We were going to be okay. We were not forced into this, we chose this and we were going to be better because of this. He told me in the most loving way possible that it was my pride that was keeping me from having happiness. That it was okay to accept kindness from others. That things would settle, that the kids would find joy and that ultimately we did not need to feel ashamed at where we are at in our life. That we should be proud of ourselves for being willing to take the unbeaten path to get to a better place.

I fell to my knees in a moment of quiet and begged my Father in Heaven for forgiveness. Us being here was and still is the answer. Even though we took the hard steps and made it here, the adversary didn't want me to have that joy we felt would be the result of our arrival. He was doing everything to cloud my view with negativity. He did not want me to realize the blessings that brought us here in the first place. It wasn't until I shook it off and realized and reminded myself of just how blessed we are that I felt that peace and those blessings flow into my life.

Since then I have felt my view shift and I can see the beauty in all the unfamiliarity around me. My parents have shown us nothing but 100% love and support. One night after the kids had been screaming and I was exhausted, thinking my parents wanted to punt-kick us out of their house and regain their peace and serenity, my Dad said before shuffling off to bed "I love my life. I am living my dreams." I was shocked that in such an imperfect moment he would feel that way. It made me realize life doesn't have to be perfect to live your dreams. As long as the things that truly matter are securely around you, family and faith, the rest will all fall into place.

And things have started to fall into place as I watch in amazement as Heavenly Father has just let the blessings flow. Justin after being unemployed for almost 14 months is working again. He is working for the local radio station. He works with nice people, he is challenged and able to use his talents. Last night he was doing color commentary on the local high school game on the radio and after he came home, even though he was exhausted after being at work from 6am-11pm, he said "It was a lot of fun." Everyone thought his last job was so great, but I couldn't tell you the last time he ever said it was 'fun'. He is able to go to school too and while his schedule is crazy busy, we know we are moving forward. I have felt my love, admiration, and respect for him increase so much as I watch him working so hard for us. I know it isn't easy, but I love him for it.

I have been amazed by now kind and welcoming everybody in this tiny community in Southern Oregon has been to me. Life is simpler and people are the salt of the earth. We've been over to three different families homes for dinner just in the past couple weeks. Everyone has wanted to help us feel welcome and get to know us rather than just smile and pass you in the halls at church. Brynna has found a special little friend she has clicked with named Nora, who comes from the nicest family. Maryn who was struggling with the transition is doing a little bit better each day and it's brought me so much happiness seeing her smile return. And Lauryn has just blossomed into a big girl who wants to talk and sing and do everything her sisters do.

I have also realized that while I thought we were here for school, I'm realizing that we very well might be here for me too. I'm seeing in myself lessons needing to be learned that this town and this time in my life can teach me. I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for loving me enough to humble me. And also for giving me what I need to grow. I feel that I, like my Dad, can say "I love my life. I'm living my dreams."