Lately I have felt a little off. Maybe it's been pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's because I'm out of my familiars. Maybe it's because I'm still working through the emotions of everything that has happened recently in my life with a big move and all that it entails. Whatever it is, I've been on edge. Not always, but more than usual, I feel scrappier than normal with my guard up. Something in my subconscious doesn't want to surrender to emotion and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I feel the need to be strong for everyone in my life. I'm a scrapper, I'm a fighter, I can do it, I can take it... until those days where you can't. Until those days where you want to stay in bed and tell the world to go away.
I've been struggling to figure out why it is we are in Oregon. I love, love, love having my parents near by and people have been very friendly and caring to me. But something is off. I get irritated at the weather or lack of things I loved in the South. I miss my friends and family and despite all the good around me, I've allowed myself to feel kind of isolated. I keep hoping that one day I'm going to wake up and everything will be the way it was. That I'll have all my dear friends and family around me, that I'll know where my life will be taking me beyond the next 18 months. That I will feel like the future is a great place to shoot towards, rather than a big, looming unknown. That I will have that feeling of contentment rather than dread.
I've also had a hard time as a mother. I love my kids with all my heart and would do anything for them. But I have felt the weight of motherhood on my shoulders. How can I do and be for all of them and be just what they all individually need? How can I listen to Brynna's questions and focus Maryn and peel Lauryn off the floor in one of her tantrums and clean house and make dinner AND get ready to do it all again with this little one? How? How, how, how?! I try to have faith that this pregnancy was part of the Lord's plan. Because neither Justin and I would have planned this right now in a million years. How can I do this? Please tell me because I don't want my kids to grow up feeling I was only there going through the motions. I want them to know that I do care about them and every little thing but the pieces of me are spread so thin.
Lately it seems everyone I meet loves to tell me that girls are SO much harder than boys. I've never had a boy, so I don't know. So please don't tell me that. Just let me live in ignorance of the fact that not everyone is dealing with a household of high energy, high drama, high emotion and strong personalities. What would it be like to have a child or children that listened or didn't question everything you say. Little people that were complacent and happy to float through life in blissful obedience to your every request. I DON'T KNOW!!! My mom told me "Your girls are a delight, but they are tough, each and every one of them." How am I supposed to do and be for all four of my sweet and very strong girls? (I'm sure #4 will be just as strong-willed as the others. They are all related to Justin and I, therefore through genetics alone they have no choice.)
My point is not to complain. My point is this video really helped me sort things out in my brain. My problems are nothing in comparison to what others face. If Stephanie Nielson can accept her new life and a new physical version of herself after trials I can only imagine entered her life and be grateful for it, then I can and need to break through the fog of whatever that has been holding me back and help me find that true, deep, radiating and contented joy in my life again.
I know what the answer is. I've been fighting it because I'm stubborn and hate admitting I can't do and be everything all on my own. But I need to turn it over to Christ and invite His help and comfort into my life. I loved the quote by Jeffrey R. Holland at the end of the clip. It reminded my that Heavenly Father is there for me through all the things I don't understand or can't do. He is there waiting for me...but I have to be willing to accept His help.
There is a quote from Boyd K. Packer that says "Prayer is your personal key to heaven. The lock is on your side of the veil." I'm tired of having my door locked. I'm tired of being stubborn and scrappy and trying to do it on my own for some unknown, ridiculous reason. I'm ready to unlock the lock and ask for help and understanding. I know I need to embrace my new life, including the things I don't understand and know that it is all in His hands. I just need to have faith and surrender.
I hear ya, Sarah. There are days where I'm so done. If I didn't have the gospel to give me a much broader perspective I probably would be done. But, we can do it. We are strong women and mothers at this time because we can do it. Thanks for your post. I needed it too.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah. I really want to hug you right now. And then take you out for ice cream. And then tell you what a beautiful breath of refreshing air you are. Your words find perfect harmony with things so many of us are feeling - married or single, blessed with motherhood or not. You aren't alone and you don't have to be scrappy - but you do have an amazing ability to analyze yourself, to think so intuitively about the future of your girls and their quality of life, and to be aware of the needs of all around you. That's an amazing gift and a heavy burden. As such, you are strong...and scrappy (when needed). Most importantly (and quite selfishly of me) you are an inspiration and strength to others. Your girls have been blessed with you. I wish that we shared a side-yard. Sending giant hugs to you, my dear!
ReplyDeleteI responded, above, to your post BEFORE I watched the video you posted. Your words touched me so deeply that I forgot to go back and watch the video. Again, you have such amazing emotional intelligence and introspective wisdom, something we need far more of in our world. Thank you for giving this video to us all.
ReplyDeleteLife is hard...Do we ever really know ourselves and most of all our potential? It is so easy to do it all...or try to anyway because it disables us spiritually and emotionally. We are not able to be humbled and childlike and just like you I am sick and tired of being this person. I long to be truer to myself and what blessing we have all around us and also what lays in store. I loved how she talked about this new life and the small moments of tapping on her heart. The tapping we all know is the Spirit touching her and because she is humbled she can receive. We cannot change the past, but we can change the future. Changing your whole life is drastic, but it is a refining process and knowing that helps us going. I hope that you find that glimpse of hope and happiness daily. :)
ReplyDeleteLoved your post. You summed up how we all feel at times. I feel guilty at the end of the day that I didn't enjoy my kids as much as I should and vow to do better the next day. . .only to get frustrated just as quickly at the tantrums, thousands of questions, and endless messes. That video puts it all into perspective and I pray every night that I can remember what is most important in life. . .not a spotless house, but kids that know how much their mother loves them.
ReplyDeleteSara, Your girls are darling. You are the perfect mom for them. Rusty was raised with 4 sisters and I LOVE them. Hang in there girl (I know you will, just have to say it ;)). Miss you.
ReplyDeleteHey Sara- I love what you wrote. I have been struggling with my role as a mother lately, with all my crazy, busy, kids, and I appreciate what you said. It gets hard and thankless sometimes, and I think I have really been focusing on that rather than what my true purpose is as a mother.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I hope you don't think its weird that I found your blog. Since Phil and Jody left, I have been feeling a little deprived of Youngs. Hope you guys are well!